Breaking...NBC's Kristen Welker Interviews Napoleon Bonaparte On "Meet The Press"--
Former Emperor Furloughed From NY State Hospital For Media Availability-- Rosen Fake News Network (RFNN)
Rosen Fake News Network (RFNN)
March 24, 2024
KW: Today we are pleased to welcome to our show the former Emperor of France, and one-time Emperor of Russia, Napoleon Bonaparte, live from our New York studio. How are you today Sir?
NB: SIR!!? Sacre bleu, I am no Sir, silly female TV person, I am the Emperor of France!!.
KW: Pardon me "Your Excellency." Is that better?
NB: Merci, much better. Now that you ask, my feet hurt.
KW: Your Excellency, last we heard you had died 203 years ago after being exiled to an Island prison in Elba. Tell our viewers, what brings you to New York?
NB: Merde! Must you ask such foolish questions? I'm here to reclaim our Louisiana territory, for the glory and the honor which is France! We were, how you say here, "screwed" in the deal, and I am a revanchiste.
KW: Your Excellency, before we start a discussion on early US-French relations, can we clear up a few matters?
NB: Bien sûr.
KW: We just had a conversation with your roomate at the uh...facility which you've listed on your disclosure form as your residence. Mr. Antonelli, you remember him? He claims he is the real Napoleon Bonaparte, and authenticated his Corsican heritage. He says you are an imposter....Excellency.
NB: (pondering, muddled expression) ahh, no Kristen, I am him, and this...upstart Antonelli, HE is the imposter, not me. Look, right here at this lock of hair, it is that of my wife, Josefina! Run the DNA, do you have ancestry. com?
KW: Excuse me, "Mister" Bonaparte, I don't think we will be having time for this. I have no doubt that you have strong feelings that you are in fact the former Emperor of France. This is a matter to be taken up between yourself and your health care providers. My producers brought you on the show in order to provide a counter view to that of former Russian Czar Alexander The First, who was our guest last week. Frankly Sir, he reminded us that he defeated your Grand Armeé and decimated your forces with the help of the bad weather, and said your generalship sucked....Sir. You should have packed warm clothes.
NB: Well, he has a point, but...
KW: ...and another point made by the Czar Sir is that the real Napoleon was rather short and pudgy. We couldn't help but notice that you are about 6'4" and 180 pounds, and you have big feet. Care to explain, Sir?
NB: Well, is a little bit embarassing. I have an undescended testicle, and I was taking steroids for it, and...
KW: I'm sorry to interrupt but I think we've all heard enough...
NB: No wait! This is not fair, whatabout Jefferson, he owned slaves and stole my land, and interfered with my Pirates conducting legitimate business, and...
KW: I'm sorry, we are done here. Thank you for your time Sir.
We'll be right back here with you on Meet The Press, while we break for a commercial and I look around for my programming director so I can kick his tiny little balls in. And after the break, we'll be hearing from entrepreneur John Dillinger about his new startup company providing bank security using AI technology. Thanks to all for listening, and stay tuned.